Doors

I just saw a movie on teve..doesn’t matter what movie it was..it effected me a lot but will probably not effect anyone else in the same way. The movie was about a man who had decided to commit suicide. He came back to his hometown to fix all lose ends. He met with people from his past, people who had made him the way he was. People from his school..he was now 40 years old..and old girlfriends..and his old teacher. And his family he hadn’t seen for a long time.

He wanted to make it all right before he left..before he killed him self.

It was a great movie and it made me think. And cry.

I thought of myself when i was a child, when i went to school. I was a happy child and enjoyed school, until we moved and i started another school. I was new in the class and i was bullied the first year, i was 9 years old. I was a fast runner and as soon and the bell rang out in the afternoon i ran home, with all the boys in my new class after me. They never caught me, i was too fast. But i remember the fear. I was a shy kid and i couldn’t say the letter R, i still can’t. So i was a perfect target for some of the boys in my class, and the rest just followed.

After one year i became best friend with the strongest boy in my class, and they stopped bullying me.

Life went on, and i tried to find out about my past, and why i always was stressed and nervous. The answer finally came to me, bit by bit..like a puzzle. Life is so strange..the first seconds in life are so important..and the first year will probably decide how much he grown up you will look like. And if the very first year in life is bad, you will try to compensate that year with good things for the rest of your life. And you will never succeed.

Unless..

Unless you can go back to your early years..go back to the fear and thoughts and despair you felt then..and heal your self. I have been looking for a way to do that most of my life.

As the man in the movie i just saw, i have tried to end my life two times. The last time i almost made it. That was in the end of my teenager period.

I have an inner strength, a strong will to live, and an anger inside of me..that have stopped me for trying again. And now it’s out of the question.

But still..the wounds and the pain and the sadness and the despair..are still there, deep inside me.

It’s deeply hidden and it will never reach the surface. The doors are locked. But, there are keys available. The keys for my inner doors are music..movies..memories..deep hugs.

Then they opens. But i have no idea what to do with it. The doors are open and all the hidden emotions are free to come out, but when? And where? And what happens then? My head and my fear are fast to close the doors again. And then it all starts all over again. A new movie, a new memory or a new song that reaches my heart.

This sucks, and i ask my self if it always will be like this.

Meanwhile im a highly functional citizen, job family wife dreams. And my ball of emotions eating me up from the inside.

End of story. For now.

Annonser

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